I was standing with a bunch of brothas at Music Club. That night the DJ was playing love song after love song. Every few minutes some familiar lyric would play. The kind that would remind me of that one ex, or that one date…you know that one date.
Then a song came on that struck a chord with all the fellas in the room. Heads nodded and dipped as memories of their 1st love scattered back into their minds. They elbowed each other and smiled as they fell into discussions with each other about memories of heartbreak. To hear men talk so openly about ‘the one that got away’ or the one that made them sit on the edge of the bed for days in tears was fascinating! Mostly because, it’s not every day that you get a glimpse into the raw emotions of men. But also because in that moment I realized that I could not relate.
Although I had been dating since I was 15, I had NEVER sat on the edge of a bed riddled with heartbreak, pining over a lost love. No, quite the opposite. I was always sure to set my heart just a notch above “couldn’t care less” so that if and when the relationship came to a crashing end I would be safely tucked inside my comfort zone, and wouldn’t feel a thing.
I was determined not to be that ever-so cliche girl eating ice cream and crying over a man! But in that moment as I watched these men — single and married — sharing story after story about how they had suffered so many love losses and what they learned, a light bulb went on. What I realized was that I hadn’t exactly escaped heartbreak like I thought.
Instead, I was simply breaking my OWN heart.
The New Heart Break
Even though I didn’t have lovelorn memories of past heartbreak – I was well-versed in a different kind of heartbreak. The kind that guarantees you will never feel loved and supported because no one will ever get close enough to hurt you OR close enough to truly love you. I knew the pain of trying to pretend like I didn’t need affection, companionship and support from a man or from anyone else. I knew the pain of not being able to fully trust another person because I didn’t fully trust myself. I had watched ex after ex walk down the aisle with someone new, all while wondering what could have been if I had the courage to love openly. That day I decided that it was better to drop my guard and run the risk of facing pain.
The walls that keep you from being hurt also keep you being loved. I have since learned that there are no risk-free relationships. If you don’t take the risk you, have chosen the pain of self-heartbreak by default.The walls that keeps you from being hurt also keep you being loved. #blacklove Click To Tweet
Consider this…. As you allow yourself to open up to the entire journey of love, you will definitely face pain and you will most certainly face heartbreak. But if you never play the game — you also will never win. Take the risk!
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