Blog — Dessert and Discussion

You may not even notice it, but after a while, we get a little jaded. We put faith in someone, it feels right, it looks right, it lasts for a time, and then – almost out of nowhere – it begins to fade. Or it implodes or it breaks somehow. Then we pick ourselves back up and eventually find someone new, only to experience the same cycle again. By the time we reach our 30’s, most of us have experienced the build up and break down of love more than once and at some point we begin to anticipate it.

But just because you’ve been through it before, and may go through it again doesn’t mean the person sitting in front of you can’t be seen through fresh eyes. Before you throw away the idea of love entirely, it’s important to heal.

Everyone Is Dealing With Something

That guy who asked you out and is now over-explaining what he does for work, making your eyes glaze over and wonder where the waiter is with the check? That guy is nervous. He’s had his heart broken too. He’s got mom-issues or dad-issues and a best friend that gives weird advice. He’s probably got a million flaws and knows it. Instead of picking him apart mentally and filing him in the “lost cause” folder, take a moment and pretend that he’s just human. He may not be “The One” but you’ll never know until you get past the initial fear of wasting your time.

Stop looking for the waiter and start looking at the man who’s in front of you. Now, give him a shot.

Remember Why Past Relationships Ended

Instead of recalling the last few moments of your past relationships – the crying, the fighting the loneliness – try thinking further back. Trace the roots of the breakup without placing blame on either party. If he cheated, were there signs? Did you stop having sex? Why? Did you know from the beginning that he was prone to cheat, and just ignored it? If you disagreed over money, was there a moment in which the issues were blown out of proportion? It’ll feel hard to sort through these details but there’s one very important reason to do so. We often get so caught up in the emotional details of a relationship that we ignore the logical ones. The logical reasons help us move on.

What actually ended your past relationships? These are the things to avoid.

Focus On Your Now

It may be something of a cliche sentiment, but real love tends to come once we stop looking for it. When we’re in “dating mode” everything feels harder, disappointments seem overwhelming. Instead of actively dating, focus on things that propel you forward. Take a class, start a new routine, fill your time with something else. Embrace celibacy and solitude and allow yourself to renew.

Stop Looking For Mr. Forever

A lot of people have a problem with the concept of “Situationships” because they offer no real permanence. It’s two people enjoying each other without the “so what is this?” conversation lingering in the back of their throats. But even though you may not be headed in the direction of life partnership, situationships have their purpose. It’s all the fun of dating someone consistently without the pressure of maintaining a relationship. Situationships also force you to practice something that is vital when it comes to love – detachment.

Be strong enough to experience something without attaching your emotions to its outcome. If you’re not strong enough for that, maybe you shouldn’t be dating at all.

At the end of the day, unresolved emotions can hold you back from more than the success of your future relationships. It can also eat away at your self-esteem and change the makeup of your very personality. It can hold you back in your career, hinder your health and wellness and affect the way you interact with friends and family. There’s enough heaviness associated with day to day life – put your emotional bags to rest and lighten your load.

The only thing worse than never moving on is pretending you did.

He says the right thing, his text-back game is killer, he asks you out on proper dates (no Netflix and “chill”) and he’s exactly how you pictured your perfect mate would be. But in the back of your mind, in the hidden cracks of your psyche – your spidey senses are tingling. You know he’s delicious, but he smells too good to be true.
Wave away some of that fairy dust and take a quick assessment before you start planning your tropical baecation. Watch out for these telltale signs he’s not ready to settle down.

He’s Fresh Out

Ask him when his last relationship was. If it was anytime in the last year, you might want to ease up just a tad. It’s common to feel “over” a relationship, especially when it ended amicably. But giving proper time to breathe out an old lover is important for self-care. A man who gives himself time to grieve before he gets back out there is healthy and less likely to be trying to fill an old position with a new hire.

Baby On Board

Yep, sometimes the ex turns up pregnant. Sometimes you meet a man who has recently become a single father. Dating single parents if great, if you’re open to children. But dating a man who is the father to a brand new baby may be something you want to steer clear of. Despite how together he may seem, new parenthood is unpredictable and often complicated. Stay supportive from a distance and let him find his footing as a dad before getting involved.

Doesn’t Open Doors

It may seem awfully traditional, but no matter how sweet and sensitive a man is – if he can’t get the door, he’s missing a very important social component. As independent as women are today, plenty of men say they aren’t sure how to handle the door situation. Are women too self-sufficient to let a man tend to her? Maybe. But he should at least make an attempt to try. Pay attention to manners – social graces are a sign of maturity.

Ladies In Waiting

Nothing wrong with having friends of all genders, but be weary of the man with groupies. If he has women constantly fussing over him, he could be the type to need consistent confirmation or the kind of man who seeks approval from women. It’s not a guarantee that he’s a dog if he has a lot of female admirers (after all, he caught your eye didn’t he?) but, be sure it’s circumstantial and not by design before committing to Mr. Popularity.

Pencils You In

If baby boy is a card carrying Gen X’er or Millennial man, he’s probably just as busy as you are building his empire. With two varying yet equally important schedules finding time for courtship can be quite the challenge. It’s important to remember that men like to pursue, as much as women like to be pursued (not to be confused with playing hard to get). If he can’t find the time to actually date you, be clear that you are looking for an activity partner, not a text buddy. If he’s interested in something real, he’ll step up his game. If not – you dodged a very busy bullet.

Lovers On Rotation

At some point during the discovery period that age-old conversation about ex’s should arise. When it does, keep your ears perked for signs that he has a set dating pattern. Does he always fall fast and then back-peddle? Does he only date a certain type of women but it never works out? Are you that same type? Of course we’ve all been raised not to judge – but sometimes it’s important to pay attention to someone’s history. If they have a set dating pattern, then chances are you know how this plays out.

Lessons For Moving On From Heartbreak