For Your Pleasure

Many people think all celebrations in May are to pay homage to those who help God usher humanity onto Earth or those who simply helped to raise humans once they arrived. However, did you know it is also International Masturbation month. Close your mouth…yes that’s what I said. Now if you are still clutching your imaginary pearls, I understand because I felt the same way when the Black Matchmaker Dr Aesha dropped this bombshell on my unsuspecting soul.

As The Love Engineer of course I was fascinated by how this came about. Well long story short, remember sista girl Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders she got into all kinds of trouble when she suggested the novel idea that instead of just teaching children the mechanics of sex that we also taught them the essence of pleasing themselves as a way to reduce STD’s, AIDS etc. This brilliant idea got her kicked out of her position and then sex shop, Good Vibrations came to her defense. In 1994 they declared MAY international masturbation month.

Now I don’t expect to see this to make it to your news feed but do tell at least two friends. If the word masturbation is too harsh, how about we call it certified self pleasure. If you are a good girl or a church girl then I know you have had all kinds of messages about the holiness or hell-fire that awaits you if you even consider self-pleasure. The good book says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. You deserve to feel good regardless and whether you are boo’d up or by yourself, you are worthy to feel good. So what if you were willing to suspend all judgements of yourself, honor your desires and know that pleasure is your birthright.

Just like I am a fan of 365 Black History. You should feel good 365. Prioritizing your pleasure even in none intimate ways brings more joy, and happiness to your world. So indulge this month in many things that truly bring you pleasure. If it takes a pandemic finding new ways to celebrate and show yourself some love then that is just what the Doctor ordered.

Ways to Celebrate

• Grab some pretty lingerie

• Get a glass of your favorite sparkling beverage

• Light some candles

• Put on your favorite music or tune into D-Nice after dark

• Take pictures (for your eyes only)

• Stand in front of a full body mirror and LOVE every inch of you

If you need a how to self pleasure celebration guide checkout OOPs by Tweet she will get you together!

Remember you DESERVE to FEEL GOOD!!

I Didn’t ‘Lose’ My Virginity: A Short Story

With so much emphasis being placed on the “purity” of a woman, I was drawn to the idea of being a virgin early on. Couple that with the fact that I thought babies ruined your life by preventing you from fulfilling your hopes and dreams. At least that’s the message I took away from the women around me who would urge me not to get pregnant, live my life before I got married or had children. Or, maybe it was the failed attempt of my mother to arbitrarily put me on birth control at the age of 16 because she wanted me to get out of high school without getting knocked up like a “fast-tail” girl. But, I refused the idea of birth control, and was mad because my mother didn’t bother to ask me what my sexual plans were, instead she assumed.  

I had actually found another form a birth control around that same time - religion. I had accepted Christ as my savior, learned very early in my journey that fornication was a sin, and since I was a rule-follower by nature, this notion of virginity until matrimony was the most righteous form of birth-control imaginable. It kept me unbothered all through college, to my first job, several career related moves and made for a perfect and way to dismiss a man I wasn’t interested in. After a few dates, I would righteously make it clear that I was going to be avoiding the fast-track to hell by abstaining until marriage. Of course, as a result guys would stop calling. I later realized the sudden drop in interest was probably not because I was a virgin, but because my announcement of it was done in a way that had already convicted them of the “men only want one thing” crime.

Fast forward to 33. By then I no longer seemed to have a sufficient answer for the, “why are you a virgin” question. Graduations were all behind me, and I now realized that God probably wouldn’t love me any less if I was not, nor was it a ticket to the altar. I was starting to use it as a weapon and a judgement seat. From up there on my ledge of sexual purity I could look down upon myself at my human desires and suppressed sexuality. I could easily pass judgement on those who seemed to be moved by coitus, but why?  

One night, I knowingly decided to test God’s love for me beyond my perceived notion of “holy sex”. I wanted to see what blessings would be removed for handing over my platinum virgin card. I thought about it and decided I wanted to be free from that prison, I had created the need to stand guard of my own virginity. So, with a well timed “wyd” text, I decided to forego the angelic host I had imagined would be at my bed posts on my wedding night. Nothing spectacular about the experience can be recalled, except the fact that the pressure was suddenly gone. I was thankful for the experience despite how unceremoniously it all came to fruition. I woke up the next morning with one realization that I hadn’t actually even ‘lost’ anything.