"Queen & Slim" - One BAD 1st DATE

Spoiler Alert - Read at Your Own Discretion LOVE

I was thrilled to go see Queen & Slim, but I didn’t know the story line. Yet, as I watched it, several moments throughout the film, I wanted to cry. Not because of the brilliant, sobering, yet tragic, reminder that BEING BLACK is a crime punishable by death in these United States; but because of the tragic love stories of each Black Woman in the film. Essence called “Queen & Slim” a Black Love Story we needed, and I couldn’t disagree more.

Queen (Jodie Turner-Smith) and Slim (Daniel Kaluuya) started their relationship with as much chemistry as oil and water. Like so many Powerhouse Women that I coach as The Love Engineer, Queen was a HORRIBLE DATE, yet not her fault. Queen undoubtedly made her family proud. She was a lawyer, she was smart, she didn’t have any babies and could take care of herself. Yet like many “good girls” and “smart girls”Queen had learned how to do everything except how to love and be loved! In fact growing up most girls like Queen were taught early that boys are bad, only want one thing and deserve her mean and mistrustful treatment.

Truth is, had this story not been a movie, this failed 1st date would have ended with Slim leaving her self-righteous, disrespectful and judgmental self at the table with his half of the bill and encouraged her to Uber home. He would have been labeled wrong. Guaranteed to become a brunch discussion, where Queen centered herself as the victim of yet another brotha intimidated by her brilliance. She would swear off swiping until the next lonely spell swept over her.

I have been Queen. I know what it is to sit across from a guy on a date hoping to make a good impression falling back on my resume to wow him and my pious presence to impress him. When it failed to, as it usually does I remind myself that I’m a Queen and he lost out. Queen was concerned about the cost of the date as it was her proxy to try and judge the character of the man. She was committed to sharing her courtroom calamity as the motivation for her interest in going out on a date with Slim, yet he only mustered up - WOW! Like many Powerhouse Women Queen didn’t realize that the only men impressed with degrees and accomplishments are hiring managers. After countless bad dates or no dates what smart women come to me to help them uncover is what is truly attractive to a man about a her as a woman. Though most women believe they already know what it is, yet they are often wrong. This is not about playing dumbing or small, who wouldn’t want a doctor, lawyer or engineer. Just like the hiring manager at the firm is not interested in your culinary capabilities, even though those skills are a HUGE bonus at the company potluck, once you are on the team. Same goes for dating and relationships with men. Truth is Queen’s dating, flirting, and relationship skills were underdeveloped like many Powerhouses who were raised on a steady diet of keep your mind on books not on boys.

Yet it was tragedy that bonded the two together loosely and as well as the other black relationships on display in the film. At some point on the run, Queen realized she had nothing to lose and trusted HERSELF. She finally opened up and let him see the carefree soul within. As she dropped her guard the beautiful woman that is behind every Powerhouse who pretends to not need a Man emerged. She shared her hurts, her pains, her truths and a crazy quirky side fearlessly. There are no risk-less relationships, the hiding behind the degrees for fear he can’t or won’t handle the depths of your love and your light leaves you without the thing you CRAVE most, connection. Unfortunately for Queen her love life would be short-lived. Yet many women “die” hoping yet hiding from LOVE, but you don’t have to. Yet Queen your next first date could be your forever date once you learn how to LOVE.

What’s the Worst First Date you have been on?

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What Women Need Instead of a Husband...

Today according the US Census over 45.2% of all people in the United States are Single. The highest in the history of the nation and more and more people are choosing the single life. For those that do venture down the path of “I do” over 50% of those marriages are ending amicably or horribly in divorce, with almost 70% of all those divorces being filed by WOMEN. How can this be is what the engineer in me immediately asked. Then it dawned on me. For centuries marriage was touted to women as an insurance policy against homelessness, childlessness and starvation. A woman’s survival strategy was to find a MAN who would marry her and be able to protect her from harm, put a roof over her head, put food on the table and give her his last name so her children wouldn’t be bastards and shunned by society. Seemed like a good setup and it worked for centuries. In exchange for a man being a husband, the woman was to perform the duties of being a wife. She would cook, clean, care for the children, provide all of the emotional support for the family, obey him (marriage vows used to say this) and be expected to put the needs of the family ahead of her own. So the Housewife relationships model (HW Model) was born as I dubbed it. Husband’s had very clear duties and everything that didn’t involve fixing broken things, cars, and outside was the woman’s role.

This is NOT HELP

Fast forward to the 21st Century where both men and women are working outside of the home. Children have schedules that rival any adult and the laundry and feedings still need to happen. Many women still feel it’s her responsibility to handle all of the duties performed by traditional housewives on top of a 50-80hr work week, and are literally crumbling under the invisible workload. Many women start in with this exhausting narrative cause she is trying to live up to the definition of a “good wife” and her husband is often oblivious to the fact that the woman he loves dearly is literally ready to collapse due to exhaustion and the overwhelm of never feeling like she can keep up. Yet if he is paying the bills, fixing broke stuff and ensure the doors are locked he feels pretty good about his job as a husband. Yet it’s the limitation and expectations of husband and wife for that matter that could use updating. So instead of a husband in title only what she sincerely needs and desires is a partner. Husbands often see themselves as “helping” when they choose to wash dishes or perform duties that according to the housewife model are the wife’s duties. A partner understands that washing dishes that you ate off of, or vacuuming the carpet at your house isn’t help, it’s a part of maintaining a home. Husbands often see taking care of their children as babysitting. Partners understand that taking care of children that carry half of your DNA is another word for parenting. Husbands unbeknownst to them are often considered by their wives as burdens instead of reliefs. Wives ofter express having a husband is like having another child, this is not a compliment. Switching from the mindset of ‘helping” to “partnering” is the hallmark of the “Power Couple Model”. Husbands are trained “Happy Wife Happy Life” as if his happiness is irrelevant and he doesn’t actually know how to make her happy. Partners understand they are responsible for their own happiness and together they can create a Happy Home and a Happy Marriage. Vacuuming is a turn on to many women because there is something sexy about being supported instead of taken for granted. Also to be fair women also are invited to relax those ‘Leave it To Beaver’ home aesthetics expectations. Your home could be immaculate at all times if you hire help, otherwise don’t pressure yourself to keep up a perfect home and the expense of the peace in the house. Partnering could be the difference between a Happy Home or a home that is headed for a premature divorce. What good is being husband and wife in title only to be trapped in a relationship where one person feels like the help, is ready to escape or staying cause husbands know it’s cheaper to keep her?

Everybody’s definition of partnering may look differently so communication still rules- just ask!! What’s one thing that would make a husband a better partner? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!!!